Oh, you should see me, Mr. I-Shouldn’t-Even-Be-Thinking-About-You. Six months later and I still feel guilty. I feel like I stabbed that hole in your chest that will never heal you and has made you the used store merchandise. I feel like I’ll never forget you although it’s torture and you’ll never forgive me. And it breaks my heart because I’m the monster here. I was the liar and you never knew me, because I never let you in. I was hiding.

And there are all these things I want to tell you now, especially sorry.

But even if these words come out of my mouth you’ll never hear them.

I just had to get that off my chest. We were together for what, 3 months, and twice that time later here I am all choked up when I broke up with him.

I think I should take the hint from fiction novels and just accept that every teen romance I have is doomed.

I won’t forgive you — forget you — the end.

x Gezza

That life is a series of connected events and people. I really wonder about what could change because of one small event that has occurred in my life. Like, forgetting something for school and going back home to get it. What if I hadn’t have turned around, and while walking to school on the footpath, I got run down by a car? Or I met someone that changed my life? Everything is so subjective.

What I really wonder about is the impact people have on me. One person in particular, I wonder what I would be like if I still knew them. Would I be happier or sadder? I know my attitude towards them would have certainly been very different if I still knew them. And the more I’m away from them, the better I begin to understand them. Why they acted the way they did, why I acted the way I did. And maybe if one of us did one thing differently, would we still know each other and be around each other? And what’s going to happen in the future because of what I did in the past?

Do negative actions always close doors for us, or do they just open up other pathways for us to live our lives in different ways? There really is no right or wrong way to live life. Regardless, events are just going to keep rolling on and how we face them is going to effect us for maybe longer than what we first expected. But this doesn’t really mean we can’t erase bad choices, because each event forces the previous one deeper into the past.

x Gezza

I think what I really need to post on here is sort of a statement of intention and why all this poorly written HTML angst is here. I know some people blog with a theme, maybe cute little kitties or vintage badges which are actually fakes from China. Well, I guess the sole purpose of this blog is just to get my feelings out, about anything that’s bugging me, or communicating anything I find interesting.

It’s really more like a diary. Except, I suck at keeping hand written diaries. I buy the pretty notebooks and promise to fill them with neatly written thoughts. But I end up writing two pages and ripping it out, then discarding the notebook because it’s now classed as a ‘past diary’. At around ten, I also just stopped comprehending the point of a diary. I mean, you write “Dear Diary…”, but to what avail? Seriously, a book isn’t going to empathise with you. It’s not going to hug you or talk back and say “Aw diddums, it’s so sad that magical ponies don’t exist.”

I am a perfectionist, and I even want to just look back at my diary and maybe find some evidence of what a good person I am in them. But even when I look back at my old diaries, I just get depressed or annoyed. I don’t want to relive those past experiences, and I’m killing trees by talking to some book by means of writing on it. At least in a blog, I’ve got this nice, modern layout and typing which is much neater than my handwriting, and coherent. It’s also so much more convenient to type. Best of all, this blog is on the internet, it’s not a notebook on my shelf staring at me. Also, instead of a diary sitting there, I sometimes get comments. A literal person talking back.

So, what can I say? This is me. This blog is this random pile of stitched together pieces of words, but they somehow make up what I think and feel and are a part of me. And one day, when I’m strong enough, I’m going to look back at all my old posts. I may still get depressed and annoyed, but hey, I’m persevering at this blogging thing. It’s phenomenal compared to the average one month lifespan of my old diaries.

I apologize for the angst, but this is me at the moment. And I hope one day, I’m going to be typing something positive on here. But for now, I need time to breathe. My Dad lost his job and I’m quite ill. I can inhale but not exhale. So read and bag me for being another emo teen, go on, DISCRIMINATE, I DARE YOU. But this blog is principally for me and maybe a future reflection, and I hope you guys out there can learn something along the way too. 

x Gezza

As everyone keeps asking me “Are you okay?” as they finally start to catch on, I find the truth slowly yet inadvertently slipping out. It’s odd, becoming so low that you begin to start confiding little pieces of yourself within other people who are most probably smart enough to figure out that I’m not the “hyperactive girl who is never unhappy”, as someone once described me.

I think subconsciously I want to see how they all react to such news. Will they just abandon me, which is the most logical thing to do, considering I’m a constant downer? No, I can’t imagine that happening. I don’t think I’ll ever loose the people around me, I just think they’ll stay with me for the wrong reasons. Namely pity. And sometimes, the special treatment is worse than the normal treatment you get.

And I’m afraid of acting how I feel. I think anger and hurt just take on a vicious cycle. I might rant to someone about a problem, and I think in some ways all it’s going to do is burden them. And then that burden gives them negative emotions which they pass onto another person and so on and so forth. It’s like I’m pulsating rays of life sucking doom, and at least when I’m fake I absorb everyone else’s and at least make them laugh and smile and feel better.

Maybe I’ll just keep my mouth shut full stop from now on.

x Gezza

I’m in the midst of a mid-teenage one. I know a psychologist would blather all this crap about how my brain is evolving, and maybe I could blame this all on hormones but it just doesn’t seem right. I just feel completely lost – I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I know that I take on a different personality depending on who I’m around. In one day I’m the hyperactive girl, the risk taker, the relationship advisor and the extreme pessimist. I think this blog reflects more of my extreme pessimist side. (In fact I may even be pessimistic in calling myself pessimistic instead of optimistic thus looking at the downside of my personality… but that’s not the point.) I know that each of these is a part of me, but I know I’m not comfortable with being any of these. It feels like I’m suffocating myself. I value individuality yet I’m always forcing myself to be what others need me to be rather than what I want to be. I’ve just gotten to the point where I’m trying to make people happy to feel good about myself, but it’s just backfiring. And I don’t know how to change back without people being completely shocked. Maybe I shouldn’t even call people my friends if I’m doubting they’ll support me being me. 

I know I’m not crazy, but it sure as hell feels I’m getting closer.

x Gezza

What does this word really mean to you? Sure, I admit to getting down, increasingly lately, but now I feel more angry than depressed. The way I see it, a relationship, be it marriage, girlfriends and boyfriends or friends, has some sort of commitment. We live in  a very business oriented world, right? Well the only thing that seems to have sanctity anymore is a contract. A relationship is an unwritten contract, it has terms and you shouldn’t be allowed to drop everything and walk away from it.

But the people I know just seem to be doing that all the time. It’s more a situation where I’m not saying I have friends, more or less “friends”. People I call “friends” to fit in. I’m really not regarding them as anything special anymore. I talk to them, interact with them more than other people I know, but it’s more a relationship of convenience, not emotion. We talk to each other to appear supporting. But, these “friends” really aren’t. And honestly, I think the number of people I’d actually regard as friends is down to two.

One of the people who I let get really close to me because I thought they were a trusting and loyal person has simply stopped talking to me. Just complete ignorance. I’m so upset and annoyed. It feels so strange to me that I could know a person for that long and then practically nothing. The occasional “Hi” or “How are you?” And that’s another thing I discovered. When people ask you how you are, they really just don’t care. It’s them just making a big illusion out of how compassionate and caring and loving they are so they can pile up their popularity. I AM NOT AN EXPENDABLE RESOURCE. I am human, I have feelings.

And maybe some of my feelings at the moment are really negative. Where’s my support then? I can’t be strong all the time and sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to relate to. Maybe this is me being taught a lesson for taking that privilege for granted. But when I communicate with this “friend”, it feels like they don’t understand me anyway. I think that maybe we were just two very different people to begin with and maybe the whole relationship was doomed to start with. Because I cannot see what I’ve done to deserve this treatment. I think maybe I inadvertently drove this person away by simply being me around them. I just have to act like a different person around everyone these days.

Sometimes, the only person you can trust is yourself.

x Gezza

I never believed in personality tests, until I took this one. It’s a Myers Briggs personality test, and I took it for psychology class whilst we were studying personality traits and it ended up telling me I have an INFP personality. Anyway, I have no highly intellectual thoughts for tonight, so I thought I’d leave you with the report I had to type up about my personality type. You get to learn more about yours truly and if you’re an INFP, maybe yourself. I just found it interesting to see all my qualities come up in that one little result. Of course, there are probably people who are exceptions. But nevertheless, enjoy my lovely report.

INFP personality types are known as idealists, with INFP being short for Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving (Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition). INFP personality types are intuitive, and focus on dealing about things in terms of how they feel about them or how moral or immoral they feel the issue is. Individuals with an INFP personality type are very goal oriented, and are idealists and perfectionists who will work hard to achieve their goals once they identify them. The primary goal of an INFP personality type is to find the underlying truth within events, and INFPs carefully sort through the knowledge they are presented with to see if it can help them refine their ultimate goal in life. This goal is commonly to help others and to make the world a better place.

INFPs are also highly interested in people and the society around them, and although may not be highly sociable, are good listeners, have a great amount of compassion for those close to them, put people at ease and are trustworthy. However, INFPs greatly dislike conflict. INFPs will always approach conflict by siding with not which side is right but which side appeals more to their feelings, making them irrational and illogical in conflict situations. When their own code of moral conduct is threatened, INFPs fight aggressively for their “cause”, another project or job for them to complete which they will cover determinately in detail. This counter balances the INFPs’ mediator quality, as they are good at sorting out conflicts because they are able to use their intuition to help understand people.

Other weaknesses of INFPs can include avoiding maintenance duties such as house cleaning, being shy and reserved, become easily annoyed when their own space is disturbed, a dislike of criticism, a need to receive praise, negative emotional reactions under stress, have difficulty in leaving a relationship and punishing others, have a low self opinion, are control freaks, have a reservedness about expressing themselves, find it hard to balance work and everyday life and have a tendency for self blame (usually because they set standards that are too high for them to achieve). INFPs are also generally bad at maths, because their humanistic judgement makes it hard for them to see the necessity of impersonal judgement.

INFPs are recommended to take up a career in social service professions, or writing. Though INFPs have problems expressing how they feel out loud, they are more comfortable with expressing how they feel in words. Recommended careers for INFPs are subsequently writers, counsellors, social workers, teachers, psychologists, psychiatrists, musicians and religious workers. Commonly, INFPs who develop their skills become humanistic catalysts in world events.

In terms of relationships, INFPs are deep and caring lovers. They are reserved about who they will express their innermost feelings to, and are very selective when it comes to choosing a partner. Because they are introverts, INFPs initially find it hard to trust others, but will become loyal, supportive and nurturing once committed in a relationship. In their partners, INFP personality types look for somebody who will understand the INFP’s perspective and hold the same values. However, an INFP may become uncharacteristically aggressive towards their partner if they violate their principles.

Sources: http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html, http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP_rel.html, http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP_car.html

x Gezza

OCPVD. Obsessive compulsive page viewing disorder. By my estimates, it affects about 80% of the internet population and it’s growing. The internet is no longer about being something to muck around on in your spare time. It’s all about being a cyber celebrity now now now!

Everyone seems to be trawling around the internet non stop these days commenting on anybody’s profile they can find, asking them to be their friend or rate their pictures.  It’s all about getting that one extra person (who is most likely a 50 year old guy who has one dead cat for company) to notice them online, and geez some people are getting low. Of course, there are slightly less obvious tactics such as the nice comment followed by that eensy link to the profile page, but then there’s just scammers and trolls who are the bane of everyone’s life. “OMG!!1! Someone wrote something bad about you on my profile! Come check it out!” And let’s not forget chain mails with those freaking balloons which ensure one chain mail message takes up ALL your comment space. And what about youtube? That place is a hell hole now! Every second video will have something about it suggesting boobies, which of course leads everyone to click on that little preview image of that ladies’’ bosom, even when that image doesn’t even appear once in the video. (Sucks to be you, you online perv)

How do you really think people become popular on the internet? By spamming others or gluing weights to that hallowed F5 button so they get bigger statistics on their page? No. No matter how many gullible idiots you get to be your friend, there’s still the same principle. You get friends online by being genuinely nice. You get page views and attention when you create something talented that more of the population will enjoy than boobs. And even if your page view numbers are low, so what? At the end of the day, they’re just numbers. If you really have talent and your stats are low, take a deep breath, stop compulsively viewing your page every five seconds to “change the layout” and avoid going anywhere near it for a week. It’s amazing how much happens when you avoid the statistics.

x Gezza

I just updated my about page, and I had another online epiphany. The only time I have ever updated that page was when I created it, December 21st 2008, ten months ago.

Lately, it seems like everyone around me is changing. They don’t seem to realise it, but I do. Whether it’s the slight change in height, mood or sharpness of the jaw, I seem to be heightened to noticing people around me recently.  Yet, I couldn’t see any way in which I have changed. But now, I can.

In the last ten months, sure I haven’t changed physically apart from a haircut, but I have changed so much about my personality. I just don’t show it around anyone. I’ve lost so much immaturity, it amazes me. I don’t think what I wrote about myself ten months ago is hardly even reflective of myself anymore. And yet, I ended up leaving that page alone, except for editing my goals and adding more things to my dislikes. In a way, it’s almost a memorial to the person I was last year. But last year, I was also a lot happier. Some of the sarcasm on the page was me being witty for the hell of it, not putting on some act in the hopes people won’t look past my surface. And as I slowly morph into a different person, I’m still clinging to the person I was so long ago. I appreciate the way I’ve changed, but I don’t think anyone else would. I’m becoming so different, yet I’m always having to repress what I think because people would probably not accept me for it.

I’ve become sadder, yet more realistic about things. I didn’t think I had any last year but I can see I was still clinging onto a few childish delusions. Like how high school would get awesome like in the movies because I became a senior or that love would work out like in movies. So maybe it’s a sign better things are coming.

x Gezza

What does being a good person really mean? I think it’s far too subjective to be a phrase anyone should even use. Based on how close we are to a person or what our own set of moral conduct is, everyone will have a different idea of what a good person is. Say I introduce you to a man and tell you he’s a murderer. Immediately because of social bias we think he’s a bad person. But what if he murdered someone in self defence? Is that really immoral? If he had no other option?

What my point really is is that we have so many laws and we decide to set them all in concrete. What about those people who “did something wrong” but for a right reason? And then what do we do with them? Why, we go have debates about this person and blast them over television screens because they’re a misnomer and they’re different therefore horribly wrong.

We are all mentally conforming to our society which is just taking advantage of other people! How do we even know what’s worth fighting for? There are always too many lies and secrets, propaganda and bias. Our countries go to war dutifully because our leaders tell us to and everyone sits in their unit homes and goes to work every day and it’s always the same same same. My life is just the word “same” echoing down and down across everywhere and everything. We all have our opinions. But we’re trained to have them by this corrupt society, where every country is claimed to be carefully and passionately controlled by a government. But somewhere just like in the movies there’s a man in a suit manipulating everything, giving out the instructions.

And I am done with being a guinea pig.

x Gezza