I’m Beginning to Realise
That life is a series of connected events and people. I really wonder about what could change because of one small event that has occurred in my life. Like, forgetting something for school and going back home to get it. What if I hadn’t have turned around, and while walking to school on the footpath, I got run down by a car? Or I met someone that changed my life? Everything is so subjective.
What I really wonder about is the impact people have on me. One person in particular, I wonder what I would be like if I still knew them. Would I be happier or sadder? I know my attitude towards them would have certainly been very different if I still knew them. And the more I’m away from them, the better I begin to understand them. Why they acted the way they did, why I acted the way I did. And maybe if one of us did one thing differently, would we still know each other and be around each other? And what’s going to happen in the future because of what I did in the past?
Do negative actions always close doors for us, or do they just open up other pathways for us to live our lives in different ways? There really is no right or wrong way to live life. Regardless, events are just going to keep rolling on and how we face them is going to effect us for maybe longer than what we first expected. But this doesn’t really mean we can’t erase bad choices, because each event forces the previous one deeper into the past.
x Gezza
I Should Be Canning the Melodrama. But I Contradict Myself.
I think what I really need to post on here is sort of a statement of intention and why all this poorly written HTML angst is here. I know some people blog with a theme, maybe cute little kitties or vintage badges which are actually fakes from China. Well, I guess the sole purpose of this blog is just to get my feelings out, about anything that’s bugging me, or communicating anything I find interesting.
It’s really more like a diary. Except, I suck at keeping hand written diaries. I buy the pretty notebooks and promise to fill them with neatly written thoughts. But I end up writing two pages and ripping it out, then discarding the notebook because it’s now classed as a ‘past diary’. At around ten, I also just stopped comprehending the point of a diary. I mean, you write “Dear Diary…”, but to what avail? Seriously, a book isn’t going to empathise with you. It’s not going to hug you or talk back and say “Aw diddums, it’s so sad that magical ponies don’t exist.”
I am a perfectionist, and I even want to just look back at my diary and maybe find some evidence of what a good person I am in them. But even when I look back at my old diaries, I just get depressed or annoyed. I don’t want to relive those past experiences, and I’m killing trees by talking to some book by means of writing on it. At least in a blog, I’ve got this nice, modern layout and typing which is much neater than my handwriting, and coherent. It’s also so much more convenient to type. Best of all, this blog is on the internet, it’s not a notebook on my shelf staring at me. Also, instead of a diary sitting there, I sometimes get comments. A literal person talking back.
So, what can I say? This is me. This blog is this random pile of stitched together pieces of words, but they somehow make up what I think and feel and are a part of me. And one day, when I’m strong enough, I’m going to look back at all my old posts. I may still get depressed and annoyed, but hey, I’m persevering at this blogging thing. It’s phenomenal compared to the average one month lifespan of my old diaries.
I apologize for the angst, but this is me at the moment. And I hope one day, I’m going to be typing something positive on here. But for now, I need time to breathe. My Dad lost his job and I’m quite ill. I can inhale but not exhale. So read and bag me for being another emo teen, go on, DISCRIMINATE, I DARE YOU. But this blog is principally for me and maybe a future reflection, and I hope you guys out there can learn something along the way too.
x Gezza
I’m A Bad Liar.
As everyone keeps asking me “Are you okay?” as they finally start to catch on, I find the truth slowly yet inadvertently slipping out. It’s odd, becoming so low that you begin to start confiding little pieces of yourself within other people who are most probably smart enough to figure out that I’m not the “hyperactive girl who is never unhappy”, as someone once described me.
I think subconsciously I want to see how they all react to such news. Will they just abandon me, which is the most logical thing to do, considering I’m a constant downer? No, I can’t imagine that happening. I don’t think I’ll ever loose the people around me, I just think they’ll stay with me for the wrong reasons. Namely pity. And sometimes, the special treatment is worse than the normal treatment you get.
And I’m afraid of acting how I feel. I think anger and hurt just take on a vicious cycle. I might rant to someone about a problem, and I think in some ways all it’s going to do is burden them. And then that burden gives them negative emotions which they pass onto another person and so on and so forth. It’s like I’m pulsating rays of life sucking doom, and at least when I’m fake I absorb everyone else’s and at least make them laugh and smile and feel better.
Maybe I’ll just keep my mouth shut full stop from now on.
x Gezza
Crisis
I’m in the midst of a mid-teenage one. I know a psychologist would blather all this crap about how my brain is evolving, and maybe I could blame this all on hormones but it just doesn’t seem right. I just feel completely lost – I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I know that I take on a different personality depending on who I’m around. In one day I’m the hyperactive girl, the risk taker, the relationship advisor and the extreme pessimist. I think this blog reflects more of my extreme pessimist side. (In fact I may even be pessimistic in calling myself pessimistic instead of optimistic thus looking at the downside of my personality… but that’s not the point.) I know that each of these is a part of me, but I know I’m not comfortable with being any of these. It feels like I’m suffocating myself. I value individuality yet I’m always forcing myself to be what others need me to be rather than what I want to be. I’ve just gotten to the point where I’m trying to make people happy to feel good about myself, but it’s just backfiring. And I don’t know how to change back without people being completely shocked. Maybe I shouldn’t even call people my friends if I’m doubting they’ll support me being me.
I know I’m not crazy, but it sure as hell feels I’m getting closer.
x Gezza
