Apologies
I’m just really not sure what do to. What are you supposed to do when you’ve intentionally done something so bad that you’ve made somebody want to kill themselves? I did a few days ago. They didn’t and I think they’ll come through it relatively unscathed as time goes on. But all I can do is apologize.
The English language sucks. I just can’t find the right words except for “I’m sorry.” And they’re hardly fitting. Two words can’t just be said about a matter that could have cost someone their lives. Honestly, how do you describe remorse and guilt, those sickening feelings which make you feel like your stomach is a pit of death and your heart has been ripped out? It feels so empty, a painful emptiness. But I still can’t go up to that person and say properly how bad I feel. I can’t really empathize with them. I did what suited me at the cost of their emotional state.
I don’t think I’ll forget this for a long time, if not ever. I guess I have learnt to not get into things like this, where the only option is to back out and hurt somebody that badly. It’s the images I get in my mind just thinking about it that hurt as well. What would that person’s parents have thought if they saw that person dead? The blame would all fall on my shoulders, and I would willingly accept it. If that person had truly killed themselves, they would have missed out on so many things, not even finished high school even, let alone university, or married. It seems cruel that my actions would have denied them that.
So yeah, allow me to be crap with words just this once. I’m sorry. I can’t really explain anything, except that I’ve learnt from it and I’ll try not to hurt anyone in that way again.
x Gezza, the would be murderer
