And then along came…
An actual nice day! I only realized how depressed I’ve actually been at the moment after I typed that first sentence. Things have been so, so hectic in my life right now. Yes, I get it, I’m young, you can’t take me seriously. In fact, most of my problems have been caused by me at the moment. I keep choosing to do all these crazy things because I want to prove a point, cover up something or try to manipulate someone. Yes, I am a bad person, I get that. Should I even try making promises to myself to change anymore? I’m done with making crappy promises I know I won’t fulfill to myself. But I guess in amongst all of this instead of slowly fixing it I’ve just decided to ignore it and let other people offload their problems onto me. So I’ve started to try fixing things instead of banging my head on the wall. And today, I guess I had one of those days where I treated myself like an actual person.
And how do girls treat themselves? Shopping! (Hey, yesterday the newspaper said women’s retail therapy actually saved Australia’s economy during the recession!) It felt so nice for my parents to actually give me money and literally say go nuts. I got myself an easel, acrylic paints, brushes, a canvas and an A3 pad for painting on just on the craft side of things.Then of course hit the sales racks in clothes shops and then the shoe store, and bagged myself these beauties for 60% off, at $35.
And of course, The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice to give me a much needed dose of vampire fiction, (Which cannot be obtained from the shoddy excuse for a book people call “The Twilight Saga”)
I’m not trying to show off, but geez new stuff gives me a buzz. And I guess on top of that I’m so happy knowing the biggest problem in my life is on its way to being fixed. (Maybe, around an 80% chance here I reckon) I can’t believe I covered the entire back seat of the car in shopping… ^_^’ But of course the material things weren’t the only highlight of today.
When I got home, in the process of putting new things away I cleaned off all the crap which I just dumped on my new dressing table in a hissy fit, as well as my walls. (Yes I am so immature I wrote insults to my parents on my walls. Yeah, scold me for it.) And, now looking at this clean, modern masterpiece I bought a week and a half ago, I can say I purely love it.
Even the literal clothes tree at the side and the circular laundry chute! How did I not notice these things? It’s absolutely beautiful!
And then my parents give me the news that we’ll be off to New Zealand for Christmas. It’s not as if we’re that rich, our flight will be paid for in air points Dad gained whilst travelling for business (his company pay for the flight and in return he gets the air points, free of charge) and we’ll be staying the whole time at my Grandma’s place. And of course, if it wasn’t for the loan my parents took out with the bank, I wouldn’t have gotten any of the things I’ve just mentioned.
Lastly, I come home to this:
I know I’ve made his a fairly boring and uninteresting post, rambling on about things that will have zero total effect on your life, reader. But it’s so rare to have a day unmarked by someone being a complete asshole to me or someone close. I’m fairly sure I’m not dreaming, but I’m still worried this will just be a temporary feeling. Either way, I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts. Maybe it’s a sign I took the right path with this situation. I sure hope so. ^_^ *Literally actually smiles. Whoa.*
x Gezza
Him
It is amazing how this song sums up everything I think about that person.
“Ever since he can remember people have died in his good name
Long before that September
Long before hijacking planes
He’s lost the will he can’t decide
He doesn’t know who’s right or wrong
But there’s one thing that he’s sure of this has been going on too long”
A billion years ago I remember writing on here how Lily admitted to taking drugs. Honestly, even though it goes against what I said, I can’t help listening to this chick. She can somehow say everything and mix it in with a catchy beat. Far out.
x Gezza
It’s Not You, It’s the Jeans
And after ranting about XBOX, lets switch to a truly feminine topic to balance the blog out. Last week, I was out shopping with my mother, namely for clothes. I didn’t get the chance to buy anything (broke) but of course I tried things on for the hell of it and was dragged around to all the women’s clothes shops by Mum. And the funny thing is, I noticed how both of us seem to take such different sizes as we moved around to different shops. I seemed to be a XXS in some shops and then medium in others, while Mum ranged from small to large as well. It seems that there’s no standardized fitting scheme across shops, which seems fairly odd to me. No wonder women are so paranoid, you can go to a certain shop and actually move up 2 sizes trying to fit into the clothes! It’s not such a great confidence booster when you’ve been tricked by maniacal retailers into thinking you’ve just gained five kilograms.
It also seems unfair to me that size 16 is considered a plus size. My Mum is a size 16, and I’d hardly call her fat. She’s within the average BMI (Body Mass Index) for her age group, but she just has to buy bigger jeans because she’s tall. It mustn’t be a confidence booster for her, having to shop in the same stores which sell size 24 clothes. Most people just seem to generalize and assume that a larger size equals a fatter person.
Meanwhile, models seem to have to fit into smaller and smaller sizes. It shouldn’t be about the number on the clothes! If anything, we should be judging whether we’re fat or not based on our BMIs. They measure your weight divided by your height, and to me seem to be the best indicators of whether you’re obese, underweight or average. If we want to look at numbers so badly, we should look at what our BMIs are. And if you’re interested, you can calculate yours here.
x Gezza
Halo: The Cash Cow
The Halo series has to be one of the most popular games out there. I love it, my little brother does, all of my friends do. But a quick check up on one of Bungie’s newest services made something very clear to me. Geez, they’re really pushing Halo to its profitability limits.
The new service is called haloscreenshots.com. As the name suggests, you can now print out screenshots you’ve taken from the game and have them framed and delivered to your door. So, why not check up on this, I thought. I decided to check the price of a snazzy picture called Guardian Airway I’ve been admiring, as pictured below.
It all looks good until I reach the checkout. The website has a smart, modern design, one could even go as far to say that it’s darn simple to use. But, the price of the print is $44.99 US. It is framed, I try to reason with myself, With glass as well. And it looks cool. So, off to checkout. Then I see the postage. $53.45 US. So altogether, for my small size framed print, I am paying $98.44 US. And seeing as I live in Australia, that’s $126 AUD for me. I went to IKEA yesterday and bought a set of 3 framed prints for $16.95 AUD.
And it’s not just the prints that are even more expensive than the Halo game itself! We recently got Halo Wars blasted across game stores when Bungie sold the rights to the game to another company. Halo: Reach and Halo: ODST are both coming soon-ish. Most people who have XBOX Live, a service where which we can play online for a price, because of Halo. Most of us only bought the XBOX 360 because Halo 3 was coming out on it. And let’s not forget that the full Halo experience isn’t complete unless we buy all the downloadable content for the game from the XBOX Marketplace. Halo is costing the average XBOX gamer a fortune!
Amongst all of this, I’m also starting to weigh up whether Halo is actually a good game. The first installment was practically a gaming revolution. It had massive hype, and although skimpy on the graphics as it was an XBOX Mark 1 game, I found it the most difficult and challenging game from the series. But since then the Halo series seems to have digressed somewhat. The levels practically shepherd you along and are fairly linear, and whenever something actually becomes challenging the campaign will sneak in some powerful weapon or equipment so enemies are obliterated fairly easily. Halo 2’s introduction of Brutes, Drones and Prophets into enemy ranks also seemed fairly useless, and unlike the original, flood type enemies no longer invoke any fear whatsoever. It almost seems as if Bungie has realized that the first game of the series was the best, dragging you back to the same area you played in the first game to do somewhat of the same thing you did in the first game to save mankind. Would anyone actually still be playing the game if it wasn’t for its ever popular multiplayer matchmaking system? I doubt hardly anyone would even be interested in the fairly plot lacking and simple campaign if Bungie hadn’t filled it up with achievements that most gamers love to tick off in their spare time.
And even then, the matchmaking system isn’t perfect, with all the idiot trash talkers on their microphones, tea baggers and people screwing up your XBOX LIVE account reputation by giving you bad rep for no reason. Being able to mute other players doesn’t make it all better!
Hmmm….. funny how a huge rant like this was spurred on by one print.
x Gezza
Thinking Is Hard
I’m not a very organized person, yet while I’m still in high school, I’m just trying to figure out what I want from life. I don’t want to go on plodding along in this mundane existence. Just things like where I want to live when I move out, whether I want to get married…. I want to know what I’m doing so I never get myself in stupid situations like the one I’m in now. I have to make a choice of what job I want by the end of the holidays according to my careers counselor, and like everything else I’m wondering about, I can’t figure it out. Editor? Graphic Designer? Author? All I can picture myself doing in those jobs is crashing and burning.
Why do people always tell me to not stress? My mood can’t make these problems go away.
By some twist of fate, the lowest mark I got on any of my exams was 87 per cent. Anybody would call me smart based on that. But how I wish I was like someone else who knows what on earth they are doing. Put me in an exam, I do fine. Mention the word ‘future’, my brain melts down. What about my present state? I also keep questioning how changes in my past could have made this all better… Because when you’re smart, you’re expected to know all these things.
But thinking in general is just hard for me at the moment. Why can’t life involve easier decisions?
x Gezza
Poetic Musings: Prisoner
We’re sorry for the confusion
Sorry for the pain
Maybe we could clear things up if you came in?
We’re effectively creating a whole-hearted hell for you
It took so much effort, so please step in
We’ve got problems on the inside
Not everything is right
But we give off a good impression
We’re kind, honest and sincere, you can trust us
.
Creators of the lost, hurt and lonely
Are inside that room
But instead of being let out, I’m being driven into it
.
It gives off the distinct impression of something that is kind, friendly
But on closer examination it’s rather melancholy
Distasteful, that would be the word… The old memories are hung on the walls in a straight perfection
The flowers in the vase stand up in a perfect, never ending bloom
It should be an image one desires to see
Every day they speak to me, and I try to speak to others
But nobody hears your scream in the suppressing boredom, the garden variety hell
Try living a day in here, where you are systematically shoved out, pulled in, expected to stay sane
With the monsters and demons, death’s accompaniments
And are tempted towards the brink, seeing others living the life you have dreamed of
I do not hold high expectations, except for a normality, a peace
Get me away from those placid metal lines that hold me back…
The sentence is harsh, cruel
And I believe I am undeserving of it
.
We’re only here to help
Even if it is distorting minds
We put on such a show every day, to make our lives inviting
So come in here, stay away from those people
Face our ignorance instead, our malnourishment
It will hurt you more
.
My, what big lies you have.
.
All the better to imprison you with.
x Gezza
Poetic Musings: Organize
We create the puzzles
Generate the numbers and figures
So we can determine the result, and leave no corner unordered or without a system
There is a rule, a law, for every existence
We must mould our lives into schedules
Fit ourselves into units
Become numbers and play along with the statistics
Walk along the same paths
In steady lines of perfection
So we keep order
In a world which could only be described as something so completely and utterly disorganized
You can go back to your starts, walk around in circles from there
But there is much you can’t describe, that your numbers won’t fit
There is no cure, have you even found the cause?
You, dear sir, are not god
Search, be aggressive yet progressive, and use those questions and formulae you have memorized
In the end, you cannot trust your numbers
Because some of us won’t conform to your squares
Some things are not meant to be known
Just let them go
Come and behold the concept of abstraction.
x Gezza
Apologies
I’m just really not sure what do to. What are you supposed to do when you’ve intentionally done something so bad that you’ve made somebody want to kill themselves? I did a few days ago. They didn’t and I think they’ll come through it relatively unscathed as time goes on. But all I can do is apologize.
The English language sucks. I just can’t find the right words except for “I’m sorry.” And they’re hardly fitting. Two words can’t just be said about a matter that could have cost someone their lives. Honestly, how do you describe remorse and guilt, those sickening feelings which make you feel like your stomach is a pit of death and your heart has been ripped out? It feels so empty, a painful emptiness. But I still can’t go up to that person and say properly how bad I feel. I can’t really empathize with them. I did what suited me at the cost of their emotional state.
I don’t think I’ll forget this for a long time, if not ever. I guess I have learnt to not get into things like this, where the only option is to back out and hurt somebody that badly. It’s the images I get in my mind just thinking about it that hurt as well. What would that person’s parents have thought if they saw that person dead? The blame would all fall on my shoulders, and I would willingly accept it. If that person had truly killed themselves, they would have missed out on so many things, not even finished high school even, let alone university, or married. It seems cruel that my actions would have denied them that.
So yeah, allow me to be crap with words just this once. I’m sorry. I can’t really explain anything, except that I’ve learnt from it and I’ll try not to hurt anyone in that way again.
x Gezza, the would be murderer
